Mitchell High Football Game to Honor Military
It’s Military Appreciation Night Thursday at Mitchell High School’s home football game against Cheyenne Mountain High at Garry Berry Stadium, 2115 Afton Way.
"We figured, what's the best way to honor a barbaric, overfunded institution than with a game of high school football?" asked school principal Todd Davis.
The game starts at 7 p.m.
Anyone in uniform will be admitted to the game for free. If not in uniform, attendees can show military ID to receive free admission. The first 1,000 people in attendance will receive a mini American flag. The second 1,000 will be allowed to leave the stadium at the end of the game.
The Mitchell High School JROTC will present the colors, and the Air Force Academy Wings of Blue will parachute into the stadium with the game ball, as well as various other undeclared items which will be used in the commission of gridiron-related atrocities and later become unaccountable for despite a thorough investigation by school officials.
"Are you ready for some football!?" shouted senior Kayleigh Winthrop, quoting the famous line by Hank Williams Jr., an alcoholic and drug addict who has likened the current Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces to Adolf Hitler and referred to him as "the enemy" and "a Muslim president who hates farming, hates the military, hates the U.S."
Mitchell High School, founded in 1965, was named for General William Mitchell, an early air power advocate who was courts-martialed in 1925 on the order of President Calvin Coolidge and found guilty of violating the 96th article of war.
In order to honor the military, special rules will allow players on the field to make use of so-called "Oorah-approved" moves which would normally be illegal, including:
- The Drop Weapon: Players can sack anyone at any time, including cheerleaders, if they place a spare football or football-shaped balloon near the unconscious body.
- The Pat Tillman: Players can become the new MVP or quarterback if they fatally tackle the current MVP or quarterback.
- The Just Following Orders: Coaches on both teams can "unofficially" order players to commit fouls which the referee will have to investigate by asking the team's other players whether or not a foul had taken place.
Pictured: The pleasingly multi-ethnic Mitchell High School Air Force ROTC in front of a tessellation representing the incongruity of their developing humanity and the organization to which they belong
"I do note the parallels between the worship of the military and the worship of football," continued principal Davis, pulling a flask out of his coat and taking a long pull.
"Really, there's not a lot for our people to do otherwise in either case. We were worried with the advent of the internet that people might find something genuine to care about, but thankfully here we are. Go Marauders!"