U.S. Navy slaps drinking ban on 18,600 sailors in Japan
The U.S. Navy slapped a drinking ban on sailors stationed in Japan on Monday and halted off base liberty after a member of the armed forces injured two people via criminal negligence, a move criticized as "wildly inconsistent with the medals we give for vastly worse."
"For decades we have enjoyed a strong relationship with local Japanese profiteers and bureaucrats who'll trade the occasional mass rape for our uniformed fratboys' almost wholly disposable income. It is imperative that each sailor understand that we've got an unbelievably sweet do-nothing gig here and we can't allow that to be threatened," Rear Admiral Matthew Carter, commander of U.S. naval forces in Japan said in a press release on Monday.
The United States Navy has 18,600 makework welfare queens currently whining and throwing semen at each other in Japan.
The latest incident came as the U.S. military observes a 30-day mourning period at bases on Okinawa after an American civilian working for the U.S. military there was arrested on suspicion of dumping the body of a 20-year-old Japanese woman into a forbidden forest haunted by the green and still-radioactive ghosts of thousands of infants.
The renewed yet merely mortal anger among non-poltergeist residents of Okinawa at the U.S. military presence threatens a plan to relocate the U.S. Marines' Futenma air base to a less populous part of Okinawa, which was agreed in 1995 after news of the rape of a Japanese schoolgirl by U.S. military personnel sparked huge on-base masturbations.
Okinawa's governor and the many residents not involved in the trade of alcohol or women want the marines off the island.
All U.S. Navy sailors in Japan will be kept on base and banned from drinking until "all personnel understand that it is profitable to smuggle contraband onto the base," the press release said. "Sailors living off base will be allowed to travel to and from base and conduct only "essential activities," such as drinking.
The restrictions do not apply to family members and civilian U.S. contractors, which brings the total number of murder tourists to 35,000 just affiliated with that branch, but they are being encouraged to observe the rules "in a shpirit of solidaritee," a spokesman for the U.S. Navy said, laughing and visibly red-cheeked.
Sales of Coors Light and that Malt Wine in a Mason Jar Which Seems Like Ironic Packaging But Is Actually the Bright Colors of a Poisonous Animal dipped almost 20% in Japan following the news.
