Gibbonstrength
Gibbonstrength
Post rating:
+
Ghost in the Shell
1,137,725 views
Scarlett Johansson is perfect for this role as an Asian cyborg cop. You couldn’t have possibly put out a casting call, sifted through the 10,000 women who would apply and find someone more appropriate. Only Scarlett Johansson, someone already insanely rich and famous could have taken this role. The trailer is great, and uses the clever technique of showing the most boring parts of the movie so that it doesn’t waste any of the good bits. Something more trailer editors should bear in mind. This adaptation of an anime will lose a lot of money.
Wonder Woman
12,975,468 views
A remake of a comic book or something where the protagonist, Kirk, wakes up on a beach straddled by a beautiful exotic woman. Dreary fight scenes with no impact or style disguised by rapid changes to new angles, a protagonist blocking bullets with a shield, boring and forgettable but laboriously constructed CGI backgrounds: it’s got everything we all love because its familiar and we recognise it, and subconsciously loathe because it’s so tiresome and dull, it wrenches at our brains and shakes them, why, why, why. This movie is the one being banked on to save the day for the Justice League cinematic universe. This movie will make $400 million.
Fist Fight
1,804,077 views
This trailer opens with that big epic opera song everyone knows, so you know it’s going to be about something small and petty. Comedy filmmakers have mastered the art of using ironically epic music and cinematography to great comedic effect, and audiences’ brains will never tire of this technique. Low risk, low reward.
Collateral Beauty
3,091,800 views
Will Smith reads out a text post his mum sent him on Facebook. This ancient, pathetic man can’t help but make movies about him dispensing life advice to the audience. Music swells, Will is reaching out to the cosmos for answers, Edward Norton looks old and like he wants to commit suicide.
Kidnap
1,318,262 views
A soft acoustic track opens this trailer, assuring us that nothing will go wrong. But the trailer then subverts our expectations and starts playing screeching inception noises. Not a sequel or adaptation as far as I can tell, will be further researching this possibility.
My Blind Brother
7,780,264 views
I love movies that tell me what’s coming right up front in the title. I don’t go to the movies to be surprised. A sad Jewess mopes about in this sequel to Garden State. Low budget, low risk hangout movie for sadsacks that will lose a lot of money nonetheless.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
2,143,592 views
The 5th or 6th sequel to the fun park ride adaptation Pirates of the Caribbean. Creepy kids singing sea shanties is a motif that everyone loves and adores, as recognisable as the Star Wars theme. This trailer knows how to get us hyped for the latest photorealistic CGI movie with exciting memorable characters and a great adventure plot. This movie will lose a lot of money.
Max Steel
18,489,393 views
Finally a movie based on the Max Steel action figures from the mid 00’s. The robot’s voice is weird, like they didn’t bother doing any mixing or audio work. It sounds like it came fresh from the recording booth. This movie will lose a lot of money.
The Great Wall
1,286,891 views
Every movie trailer has a rhythm where sucking sounds lead to inception booming sounds. Another innovation is where the booming sounds build to a crescendo, then the title of the movie, then a moment of silence which is broken by a monstrous jump scare. Matt Damon impersonates a Chinese person speaking English. This movie will make $1 billion in China.
Hidden Figures
786,832 views
America isn’t perfect, but this movie will show just how great she can be. It’s wonderful the trailer never mentions that being black would have been a hindrance to employment at NASA, and only shows everyone doubting these black women’s abilities based on their gender. It’s time we moved past that kind of thing. We also have some soulful depictions of the local coloureds.
1,137,725 views
Scarlett Johansson is perfect for this role as an Asian cyborg cop. You couldn’t have possibly put out a casting call, sifted through the 10,000 women who would apply and find someone more appropriate. Only Scarlett Johansson, someone already insanely rich and famous could have taken this role. The trailer is great, and uses the clever technique of showing the most boring parts of the movie so that it doesn’t waste any of the good bits. Something more trailer editors should bear in mind. This adaptation of an anime will lose a lot of money.
Wonder Woman
12,975,468 views
A remake of a comic book or something where the protagonist, Kirk, wakes up on a beach straddled by a beautiful exotic woman. Dreary fight scenes with no impact or style disguised by rapid changes to new angles, a protagonist blocking bullets with a shield, boring and forgettable but laboriously constructed CGI backgrounds: it’s got everything we all love because its familiar and we recognise it, and subconsciously loathe because it’s so tiresome and dull, it wrenches at our brains and shakes them, why, why, why. This movie is the one being banked on to save the day for the Justice League cinematic universe. This movie will make $400 million.
Fist Fight
1,804,077 views
This trailer opens with that big epic opera song everyone knows, so you know it’s going to be about something small and petty. Comedy filmmakers have mastered the art of using ironically epic music and cinematography to great comedic effect, and audiences’ brains will never tire of this technique. Low risk, low reward.
Collateral Beauty
3,091,800 views
Will Smith reads out a text post his mum sent him on Facebook. This ancient, pathetic man can’t help but make movies about him dispensing life advice to the audience. Music swells, Will is reaching out to the cosmos for answers, Edward Norton looks old and like he wants to commit suicide.
Kidnap
1,318,262 views
A soft acoustic track opens this trailer, assuring us that nothing will go wrong. But the trailer then subverts our expectations and starts playing screeching inception noises. Not a sequel or adaptation as far as I can tell, will be further researching this possibility.
My Blind Brother
7,780,264 views
I love movies that tell me what’s coming right up front in the title. I don’t go to the movies to be surprised. A sad Jewess mopes about in this sequel to Garden State. Low budget, low risk hangout movie for sadsacks that will lose a lot of money nonetheless.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
2,143,592 views
The 5th or 6th sequel to the fun park ride adaptation Pirates of the Caribbean. Creepy kids singing sea shanties is a motif that everyone loves and adores, as recognisable as the Star Wars theme. This trailer knows how to get us hyped for the latest photorealistic CGI movie with exciting memorable characters and a great adventure plot. This movie will lose a lot of money.
Max Steel
18,489,393 views
Finally a movie based on the Max Steel action figures from the mid 00’s. The robot’s voice is weird, like they didn’t bother doing any mixing or audio work. It sounds like it came fresh from the recording booth. This movie will lose a lot of money.
The Great Wall
1,286,891 views
Every movie trailer has a rhythm where sucking sounds lead to inception booming sounds. Another innovation is where the booming sounds build to a crescendo, then the title of the movie, then a moment of silence which is broken by a monstrous jump scare. Matt Damon impersonates a Chinese person speaking English. This movie will make $1 billion in China.
Hidden Figures
786,832 views
America isn’t perfect, but this movie will show just how great she can be. It’s wonderful the trailer never mentions that being black would have been a hindrance to employment at NASA, and only shows everyone doubting these black women’s abilities based on their gender. It’s time we moved past that kind of thing. We also have some soulful depictions of the local coloureds.
Gibbonstrength
Gibbonstrength
Post rating:
+
Passengers
12,865,853 views
Sexless men go insane over Jennifer Lawrence. She's the stand-in for the girl they had a crush on when they were 15, but I bet they were too grossed out and filled with shame to look at her nudes. It goes without saying that I didn't either, because as a communist I consider all images of the female body to be sinful. True communists only jerk off to cartoons or their imagination. There are 500 women in your neighbourhood who you'd find more attractive than Jennifer Lawrence and seeing her being fucked would cause you to recoil in disgust, but heres a movie where Chris Pratt (you) get to corner her in space and be completely alone with her. Maybe at first she won't appreciate you, but in time...she'd come to appreciate your touch...your kindness......the personality that the other cryogenically frozen space travellers aboard cant ever offer her....
You couldn't ever date a girl taller than you. You couldn't ever date a girl who was smarter than you. You couldn't ever date a girl with the wrong coloured hair, or tattoos, or who won't wear heels, or stockings, or go to the gym with you, read the books you recommend her, who won't come around to your taste in movies. You're not a narcissist, you just have taste.
This movie will fulfill all your desires and probably make money.
12,865,853 views
Sexless men go insane over Jennifer Lawrence. She's the stand-in for the girl they had a crush on when they were 15, but I bet they were too grossed out and filled with shame to look at her nudes. It goes without saying that I didn't either, because as a communist I consider all images of the female body to be sinful. True communists only jerk off to cartoons or their imagination. There are 500 women in your neighbourhood who you'd find more attractive than Jennifer Lawrence and seeing her being fucked would cause you to recoil in disgust, but heres a movie where Chris Pratt (you) get to corner her in space and be completely alone with her. Maybe at first she won't appreciate you, but in time...she'd come to appreciate your touch...your kindness......the personality that the other cryogenically frozen space travellers aboard cant ever offer her....
You couldn't ever date a girl taller than you. You couldn't ever date a girl who was smarter than you. You couldn't ever date a girl with the wrong coloured hair, or tattoos, or who won't wear heels, or stockings, or go to the gym with you, read the books you recommend her, who won't come around to your taste in movies. You're not a narcissist, you just have taste.
This movie will fulfill all your desires and probably make money.
dipshit420
dipshit420
political car tune
Post rating:
~
Get out of my head
Flying_horse_in_saudi_arabia
Flying_horse_in_saudi_arabia
Post rating:
+
The Edge of Seventeen Official Red Band Trailer 2
148,526 views
The Edge of Seventeen features a young lady actor who is a big star and also does modelling and singing according to wikipedia. In real life she's 20 and very popular but in this movie she's an awkward high school student of 16 going on 17, I guess, if the name of the movie is anything to go by. Speaking of the name of the movie, I would have liked it if the song in the trailer was Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks. Stevie Nicks is that one out of Fleetwood Mac and she sings really well. Instead of using that song they used some other thing that sounds like every commercial on TV these days. I think the genre of music is called "indie rock" but I don't know if that really describes it. Because I'm old, when I hear the words "indie rock" I think of things like The Pixies or Pavement or something like that. Those things can sound poppy but they are mostly about jangly or loud guitars and singing words. I think a better name for what they call "indie rock" now would be "hipster gospel". It sounds to me like the inside of a white person's head when he takes a lot of cold medication, or when he's just climbed to the top of a mountain and looks down at the bottom and can't see any black or brown people. Anyway, this movie doesn't look as good as Clueless or Mean Girls, but it's probably okay.
148,526 views
The Edge of Seventeen features a young lady actor who is a big star and also does modelling and singing according to wikipedia. In real life she's 20 and very popular but in this movie she's an awkward high school student of 16 going on 17, I guess, if the name of the movie is anything to go by. Speaking of the name of the movie, I would have liked it if the song in the trailer was Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks. Stevie Nicks is that one out of Fleetwood Mac and she sings really well. Instead of using that song they used some other thing that sounds like every commercial on TV these days. I think the genre of music is called "indie rock" but I don't know if that really describes it. Because I'm old, when I hear the words "indie rock" I think of things like The Pixies or Pavement or something like that. Those things can sound poppy but they are mostly about jangly or loud guitars and singing words. I think a better name for what they call "indie rock" now would be "hipster gospel". It sounds to me like the inside of a white person's head when he takes a lot of cold medication, or when he's just climbed to the top of a mountain and looks down at the bottom and can't see any black or brown people. Anyway, this movie doesn't look as good as Clueless or Mean Girls, but it's probably okay.
[account deactivated]
dipshit420
dipshit420
political car tune
Post rating:
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tpaine posted:i was forced to watch the hangover years ago and it ruined movies for me forever. like, it killed the artform completely
source your quotes
Synergy
Synergy
Post rating:
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now we just need some RST3K
le_nelson_mandela_face
le_nelson_mandela_face
"Jpg." - Hank Hill
Post rating:
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motion controlled VR games are a gimmick and will go nowhere imho but i think VR will probably be the death of the movie theater
parabolart
parabolart
Post rating:
+
i hope VR gets coopted by the beurocracy and it'll mostly be DMV tests and instructional videos of how to pick up after your dog
drwhat
drwhat
mt.real
Post rating:
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i want to work on the vr shared world social thing that turns into the matrix or multiverse or whatever you want to call it and all us bourgeois liberal losers just put on our headsets and never come back
parabolart
parabolart
Post rating:
~
drwhat posted:i want to work on the vr shared world social thing that turns into the matrix or multiverse or whatever you want to call it and all us bourgeois liberal losers just put on our headsets and never come back