By Gideon Berpo
June 10, 2016
VACAVILLE - A convenience store was shuttered late this afternoon after a minor spat between Trump campaign staffers damaged most of its inventory and left five bystanders hospitalized. Trump has already tweeted several times about the incident, saying "Boys will be boys" and "Go back to Taco Town, Mexi-crats!"
Adolf Petersen, 20, and Adolf Watkins Jr., 22, can be seen in multiple cell phone videos accusing Sunoco Aplus employee Garcia Lopez, 38, of shorting them on change. Witnesses claim that Petersen and Watkins had not yet purchased anything, but in the video are seen each eating multiple candy bars while waiting their turn to accost Lopez.
The video shows the dispute escalating until a side-argument seems to break out between Petersen and Watkins. According to Lopez, this debate concerned whether to continue waterboarding Lopez for the Aplus cash safe combination. At 2 minutes and 33 seconds in the footage, Watkins draws a "bowie" knife from his side and menaces Petersen with it; Petersen immediately responds with hostility, activating a canister of teargas, crouching behind a display of Skinny Girl sparkling waters and carelessly loosing bullets into the smog.
Multiple wounded were then jailed for failure to disperse when ordered, and for resisting arrest. One woman, whose name and exact crimes have not been mentioned by the Vacaville Police Department, faces a possible 30 months in prison for somehow interfering with police in the aftermath.
At one point in the tape, the occurrence of a seemingly pre-planned "costume snafu" has raised eyebrows among some activists. Each mistakenly engaged in mortal struggle with completely uninvolved bystanders, Petersen's and Watkins' official Trump campaign members-only jackets burst completely away from their bodies, revealing full Nazi Schutzstaffel (SS) regalia. However, over the course of the next several minutes of battle, as these SS uniforms are shredded and burnt away from their bodies, cyan undershirts labelled #ImWithHer can be discerned.
Professional activists and social media failures point to these undershirts as evidence that more voters are "up for grabs" than election forecasters had predicted. Blaine Pissly, a 15 year old high school dropout, noted that "They, like, don't even know who to support right now. Hillary should like, tell Trump to stfu. He'd say 'what does that stand for?'"
Leftist philosopher and apartment landlord Danny Mastoli, 67, was more cynical. "I've been blogging about Clinton and Trump since they first burst onto the political scene in spring 2016. They couldn't be less alike, so it really gets me right here when Dangerous Donald supporters try to look like Hillary supporters." Mastoli gesticulated, upending an obscene coffee mug. "Sure you can come in with the same policies, plans, business practices, and class background as Clinton, but if you're copying her t-shirts and colors... what is the basis of your campaign?" Mastoli disagreed that the answer might be racism. "Clinton is not the racist. Dangerous Donald is the racist. He hates races. Clinton loves various races, as she has said in numerous campaign speeches. Whatever her other stances, this makes her clearly preferable to Dangerous Donald."
A Trump campaign spokesperson quickly quashed rumors of the brawl, saying accounts of the dispute are supported by "mere video evidence" which could be of "any paid actors or other dimension." When asked why two high-ranking staffers were wearing undershirts that appear to support Clinton in the presidential election, the spokesperson spat and said, "You mean the Sanders undershirts? I don't really see the problem you stupid little pig. By the way, are your kids walking home from school today? You should ask them not to walk on Summers Street any more. You know that bend by the alder tree? You could abduct two kids ages 9 and 13 from there in moments, without ever, ever being noticed. Word to the wise, dickweed."
When reached for comment, a Clinton staffer was more sympathetic. "Didn't we just buy like 30 native ads with you? Why the fuck are you calling me, dickweed? We'll have your article for you in the morning. Look, for real, call me again after 5 and I will spay and neuter your daughter and son. That's a promise."
Petersen and Watkins dropped charges against each other and sent a Snapchat to the Vacaville Sheriff's Office refusing to testify or stand trial. The Snapchat, in which the voters of Solano County voters are exhorted to "taste our fetid ballsacks" and "turn out to vote Trump, definitely not President Hillary Clinton, unless you wanna fuckin die," provoked astonished chortling and possibly ironic "Seig heils" from the Vacaville Police Department's department-wide briefing.
Officer Heinrich Watkins the 3rd spoke up from behind the blue wall of silence. "Those boys are always up to hilarious shit. I mean the funniest fuckin shit, really. I know Adolf back from 5th grade when he would dump trash cans of water into old folks' front doors, which was like... he shoulda had a prank show dude, like Bam Margera. We would charge them for all this, but Trump would just pay for their legal defense. Wait, are you press? Get on your fucking stomach!"
Trump's approval rating increased 10% following the incident.
Edited by swampman ()
ahaha
Washington (CNN) - Donald Trump, who has repeatedly voiced his admiration for Winston Churchill and the British military, evidently confused the insignia of the Royal Air Force with that of the Red Army Faction on Tuesday. The radical-left terrorist organization, better known as the Baader Meinhof Group, was responsible for the deaths of at least 30 people between 1970 and 1998, when it officially disbanded.
In a statement, Trump adamantly denied making a mistake.
“It wasn't a mistake, believe me,” Trump said. “I wore that hat to raise awareness. I want people to know about the crimes of the socialist Left. This particular group murdered a friend of the family, Hanns Martin Schleyer. A truly great man.
In 1977, Hanns Martin Schleyer, head of the German Employer's Association and former SS member was kidnapped and killed by the Red Army Faction.