How the hell have I wasted almost ten years on this site? Over 7,000 hours logged in under ten fucking years? What the hell is my problem? I was a slave to the fucking website. Oh, I woke up. Let's check if anyone posted in the topics I'm interested in. Now let's reply to them. And check the main board for new topics. Every ten fucking minutes.

But now, I'm above that shit. I can look at SA and honestly think "Wow, the people posting on that site are complete fucking idiots". Just look at the shit you guys post. Read all the posts you've made, and ask yourself "Are any of these posts intelligent, had any thought put into them at all, or beneficial to mankind in any possible way?". Invariably, the answer is always no.

Let's look at the different types of posts, and I'll tell you why they're complete shit.

"Debate" topics: Whether it's Politics, Religion, Penis, all of these topics are such a complete waste of time I can't even begin to describe how much of faggot you've got to be in order to post in them. Even ignoring the fact that you're not going to convince anyone, do you honestly think that your posts have even the faintest of any real intelligence? You debate these issues which have puzzled researchers and philosophers for millennia (well, maybe not the penis one), who have spent their entire lives thinking about these problems, and you think that because you've skimmed the wikipedia page on the subject, you're now an expert and qualified to debate about it? Honestly? I'm marveled that the human brain can deceive itself so much that it believes that what it's writing isn't an intellectual shithole.

Porn/Hentai/NWS topics: Go find a real girl, you fucking virgin faggot. Think about this: other people around you are doing shit that's actually beneficial, like making dinner, and you've locked yourself in your room, dropped your pants, and started fucking jerking yourself off. And you go to these pathetic video sites or *chan websites to see some fucking pixels that show other people having sex. What the FUCK. What would your mother think about you if she saw you? She'd be ashamed of you. Her son is a failure who can't talk to the opposite sex. Instead, he's inside, by himself, masturbating while sticking a finger in his asshole because he's curious what it's like to be anally fucked. She'd probably hang her head and cry if she even had the slightest idea what the things you do. I'm sure every single one of your mothers wish that she had had an abortion or that she had been raped by a black man in front of her husband and had his kid instead.

Girl topics: Congratulations, you've managed to talk to a girl, but something's gone wrong. You don't know if she likes you. She's going out with you but she says her guy friend is staying over for the night. She's broken up with you because you're a piece of shit that treats women like they're just a pair of tits and a hole to fuck. Of course you post a topic on SA. So that other neckbearded faggots can come and give their opinion on something that they know shit about, since they can't even look at a girl without pissing themselves. But somehow you read this garbage and think that it's a good idea. Since you, however, don't really care about her, you ignore the advice and you continue to be an asshole, unable to think about anything but proving how you're better than her and getting some pussy. And of course it backfires, and she dumps you because she's realized you're a piece of shit. No, you're worse than shit. I would literally prefer to interact with a steaming pile of my own shit than interact with any of you in real life. There's one board worse than the main one, and it's called E/N.

SPORK OF DOOM KAWAIII topics: I don't even have to say anything. Just kill yourself.

E-pussy topics: I ... I don't even know where to begin. At first, I didn't think anyone was serious. Yeah, sure, I would jokingly post "tits or gtfo", too, but never at any time did I actually e-pussy. I saw other posters doing it, and I thought that it had to be a joke. But it kept on happening. Consistently, whenever a girl makes a topic, guys will swarm it trying to get the girl to like them. They don't want to seem that way, so they act like they're just being cool, you know, just chatting. But it's so fucking obvious. You can't get girls to like you in real life, so you try to talk to girls on-line, where they can't see what a fat filthy fuck you are. And the girls are no better. Any self-respecting girl I know would take one look at the topic list of SA, then stay the fuck away from the site; it reveals tremendous amounts about the character of Something Awful's girl posters that they would even think for a split-second that they wanted to post here. And when you see their posts, all of them are attention-seeking whores. They realize they're never going to amount to anything other than a 5 dollar prostitute, so they post on-line and try to get as many people as possible to respond to them. It's pretty sad.

Brag topics: You think people are impressed when you talk about how you got a $25,000 internship at a prestigious financial firm? When I see a topic like that, I realize how fucking insecure you've got to be in order to feel the need to post it on-line. You realize that it's the only thing that you've got, the only part of your life you wouldn't be ashamed of, so you try and tell everyone about it. How pathetic. How many possible mental disorders must you have to actually make a topic like that? At the minimum, I'm guessing you'd have to have pretty severe depression, bipolar disorder, asperger's, and narcissistic personality disorder.

Fad topics: I'll admit, there have been a few moderately funny posts. I chuckled the first time I saw the WOM topic, and I've seen a burn or two that were well played. But after the second time I see it, or when I notice the hundreds of posts that just say "GET OUT" or "im gay", it's lost all humor it might have had. You should all feel bad for continuing to post this shit. I won't go into this one too much, since it should be obvious how insipid it is.

Hate-speech topics: Everyone knows that political correctness is a sham, but whenever I see a post insulting people of color, women, gays, or any group at all, I'm reminded that most of you aren't fit to call yourselves humans. Do you have so little compassion for anyone else that you resort to stereotypes in order to insult people? And you think this has any meaning at all? You're not proving a point. You're not better than anyone else. You're just a piece of shit who think he's important. Here's something you ought to know: you're not important, and the shit that you do certainly is not important. Try acting civilized for just once in your life.

I could keep on going on. But why should I? I'd bet that 99% of you make several of these types of topics, daily. I consider myself a moral person, but I would sleep well at night knowing that everyone who makes these topics were dead. You contribute absolutely nothing to society. Hell, you contribute negatively to it. I can safely say that the world would be better off without you. So you've got a minimum wage paying position at the super market. Congratulations on having a job that someone could train a monkey to do. Just think about that for a second: if you were replaced with a monkey, no one would miss you.

From a psychological standpoint, I cannot guess how this could have happened. Something Awful has thousands of active posters, and they keep coming back day after day. I think the only way this would be possible is if SA is the worst of the worst on the internet, the internet's sewage collection. I'm not sure if the posters on this site were always as retarded as they are now, or if it's something about the site that turns people in worthless husks, but it is undeniable that you could not find a collection of people anywhere else in the world (perhaps in the entire universe) as brain-dead as the posters on SA. All it would take is one second of rational thought and you'd realize how much of a waste of time Something Awful is. When you're much older and about to die, you'll ask yourself "Why the the hell did I not actually do something with my life?". And then you'll think back on all the thousands of hours per year you spent going to this website. Thousands of hours, just thrown away.

It's hard to imagine how the public school system could have let so many thousands of students slip by. I mean, I know we've got pretty poor public school systems, but I didn't know it possible to screw up a kid's life so badly. Did all of you ignore everything your teachers ever said and do the opposite? How did the school never realize that it was a waste of time to even let you set foot in the school? Things aren't any better now that you're in college, though I have no idea how any of you were admitted. No doubt your admissions essays were written by your classmates after you paid them. You go to college, which is supposed to be an institute of higher learning, and you treat it as if work is just something that happens in between parties. Your parents are spending tens of thousands of dollars per year to send you here, but the only thing you do on campus is get wasted and smoke pot, as you do the bare minimum to scrape by in class.

The entire site is a bunch of children. All of you. It doesn't matter if you've 28 and got a job, you've got the maturity of a 13 year old. An autistic 13 year old. My sister is in middle school, and what she says is a hundred times more intelligent than any post I have ever seen on Something Awful. You think that, like with the million monkeys typing shakespeare, you'd eventually accidently post something that is not completely asinine. But no. Somehow, every single one of your posts is complete and utter shit.

If God were to ask me if I would like it if he altered the past so that all the time I had spent browsing Something Awful had been instead spent being tortured and raped, I would say yes in an instant. Because pretty much anything would be better than the time I spent posting on this website. I'm not even joking. You think I'm just saying it to argue my side, and that I don't really feel that way. You'd be wrong. I believe this 100%. In fact, I would willingly subject myself to excruciating pain for the rest of my life it it meant each and every one of you would die, knowing what a huge benefit I'd be giving humanity.

So, I'm done with Something Awful, if that wasn't obvious from the above. I hope I never hear the name Something Awful ever again. And, seriously, if an admin is reading this, shut down this site. I swear this will be the best decision you've ever made. Not only is it ruining your life, it's ruining the lives of thousands of other posters. This is unquestionably the only moral thing to do. The site is destroying them. I'd bet that dozens of posters have already committed suicide, caused solely by this site.

I'm not writing this all to be mean; I'm doing it because, as a fellow human, I feel a responsibility to try and help you. And this is the best advice I can give you. Never log on to Something Awful again. Give your account away if you don't have the restraint to stay away from it. Use the time to move your life in a positive direction. Make it a life you could be proud of. I mean, imagine if someone had a video tape of your entire life and they watched all of it. You couldn't feel anything other than completely ashamed of what they now know about you. How you've jerked off in front of the computer thousands of times in your life time. If I were you, I'd rather die than know that someone else knew about how my life was absolutely worthless.

Since I doubt anything that I've said is going to make it into your thick skulls, let me try and put your life into perspective here. There are roughly three hundred million people living in the United States. Somehow, they all have food to eat (those that can afford it at least), a place to live, utilities, access to amazing advancements in science, etc. How is this possible? Because, unlike you pieces of trash, other people ACTUALLY DO SHIT WITH THEIR LIVES. Maybe it's growing food, performing research, helping those in need, developing and selling products, or anything else that has the tiniest bit of utility. What do LLers do? They sit on their asses all fucking day long and don't do shit. Imagine if everyone in the world were like you? We'd still be in the fucking stone ages since we'd all be too busy jerking off when we wouldn't find a rape victim.

I could go on about specific posters, and why they're even worse than the average goon, but you know what? It's not even worth my fucking time. Some people are beyond saving. I could go on about the different types of posters as well, but again, I have more important shit to do. But you know who you are. It's hard to think that, given how retarded all of Something Awful is, that there are some people even in Something Awful that (almost) make the others look like they have the intelligence of someone who's passed the second grade. Yet somehow this is possible.

Compare Something Awful to any other forum on the internet, whether it's LUELinks, 4chan, the CAD forums, youtube, or Digg. No matter what you choose, the difference in the quality of those posts and the ones of Something Awful is astronomical. Like, it's beyond comparison. I do not think that any scientist could ever come up with a system of measurements that could effectively compare the two. It's like comparing zero with infinity. You guys talk trash about LUELinks, but it's the most hypocritical drivel I've ever read. LL costs half of as much as SA, and you guys bitch about it? Never mind that at the start LL has free sign-ups as well, but the money goes to affording the servers necessary to run a website with a large number of members. Look at SA, where the admin spends the money he gets from the website on beer which he then pisses on the server, causing hours of downtime several times a week. Though obviously a heavily moderated forum would have higher quality posts than a lightly moderated one, even contrasting Something Awful with 4chan is like comparing a child's scribbles to the work published in an academic journal. But this isn't about SA vs LL or SA vs 4chan. I'm really not a big fan of either site, but I used them as an example since you faggots bring it up all the goddamn time. It's about SA being absolute shit compared to every other website on the internet.

The sheer amount of depravity on this website is enough to make me want to throw up just thinking about it. I'm seriously considering checking myself into some sort of hospital so that they can help me remove all memories I have on this website. I would gladly take a lobotomy if it meant never having to think about this website again. If you look at what this website says about humanity, gross-out sites such as tubgirl or 2girls1cup are tame in comparison. I would rather show my mother every single NLS picture I have ever seen than show her a single post from Something Awful. If my parents had even the slightest idea what sort of shit was passed off as conversation on this site, they would disown me in a second, if they could muster the restraint not to disembowel me on the spot.

I hope you all burn in Hell for eternity for how far back you've set humanity. I've been a devout atheist for several years, but I wish so much that God exists, only so that you all of you can get the punishment you deserve. Actually, I don't even know if there's a punishment terrible enough for the posters of SA. For those of you who like paradoxes, here's one for you: can God create humans so completely detrimental to society that even he could not punish them adequately? After seeing Something Awful, I'm going to have to go with "yes".

This topic is meant to be constructive, but I admit it's hard to control my seething anger whenever I think about the cesspool that is Something Awful. To think that we've had countless people spend their lives advancing science or philosophy, or fighting for human rights, and all of you throw away this work so you can waste away sitting in your room, doing jack shit and tossing around the word "cuck." It's downright insulting to anyone who ever lived. I've been trying to calm myself down, to think about this rationally, and just offer a good natured post, but I cannot control myself. Thinking about the website activates some part of my brain which knows how completely fucking vile Something Awful is.

Let me propose a thought experiment. Pretend that one day, aliens make contact with Earth. They are much more advanced than we are, but they are a friendly people. The first person that they meet is a member of this site. The aliens ask him to show them their culture, so he decides to show them Something Awful. Ignore how unlikely the scenario is; I am merely trying to make a point. Any civilized species that were to have a look at Something Awful would have a moral obligation to convince their government that is in their best interest, nay, the interest of the entire universe, that the planet Earth be destroyed, so that no one else could ever know about the blackhole of pure filth that was Something Awful.

I've paused writing this for about an hour so that I can try and think of just one positive quality that I can attribute to Something Awful or one of the posters. During that hour, I have come up with nothing. Not a single thing. Honestly, I tried. I would rather be charged with coming up with the cure for cancer than thinking of any way in which Something Awful has had a positive influence, since I think that curing cancer is actually a possible task.

And the thing is, despite all that I've said, I don't feel that I've done justice to the issue. I've spent many hours writing this topic, trying to come up with the words to express just how fucked up this website is. I've done my best, but I know that it's entirely inadequate. I don't believe that the English language was designed with the ability to talk about shit so completely boggling to the human mind. I don't even think it's possible to even invent a language that could describe the utter turpitude of Something Awful. The only way someone could really understand the complete worthlessness of the site would be to look at the site itself, but I can not in good conscience ever wish that anyone would have to subject themselves to that.

I don't know what else to say. There so many areas I haven't even touched on, but I feel as if they would all be a waste of time. How could I possibly convince anyone as moronic as the posters of SA? The task is so daunting, I have no idea how I've managed to write this much, knowing what an impossible task this is. It's like trying to teach a parrot how to talk. Yeah, they can repeat what you said, but they don't really understand what you're saying. The same applies to Something Awful. You'll probably read two sentences of this and then post some asinine comment. Then you'll continue to do the exact same shit, day after day, until Lowtax finally shuts down the site.

I hope you don't treat this as a troll topic. I'm sure most of the posts will be "tl;dr" anyway. But if any of you actually take the time to read this, and actually THINK about it, not just reading enough so you get a basic familiarity with the post, you'll realize how important this is. Just think that if what I'm saying is at all true, you can improve your life to one that's actually worth living. This really is not a troll post. I see it as sort of as in Plato's Allegory of the Cave, where men tied to chairs watch a fire's shadow and think that it's the real world. But those of us outside of it, who have escaped the cave, can look back in and see how idiotic everyone is for thinking there's any meaning in the shadows.

Ok, now I'm really done. Good bye Something Awful.

ilmdge posted:

"Nigger. Anime." -Barack Obama, 2015.

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you heard it here first folks

stegosaurus posted:

people are going to get phds from that shit at some point

actually, i already have Peri-Hemorrhoidal Discharge Syndrome, thank you very much