mysterious frankie posted:

THE DEPRESSIVE'S COOKBOOK

A treasure trove of simple things for you to somehow fuck up, like you always do with everything.

by M'Fwank.


FORWARD
What's better than cooking a delicious meal for you and your cats? Maybe not crying whenever a life insurance commercial comes on the television, but other than that, not much! That's why I've assembled this handy dandy collection of fun, no hassle recipes that you can easily prepare, even while heavily medicated. I'm sure you'll find something in here that might not make those pesky inner demons go away, but at least will drown out their ceaseless chatter with the sound of chewing! Bon Appetite!
Did I spell "Bon Appetite" right?
I bet I didn't.
Why am I even trying to do this?
Jesus Christ... who do I think I am?



Bon Appétit!



-RECIPE ONE-

~The Country Omelet~

An omelet, like the life of a child, is both simple to create and equally simple to ruin beyond any hope of salvaging. As I wish would have been the case with my parents, I'll be here serving as guardian angel, helping you make sure you don't cause irreparable damage... Do you ever wish you could go back in time and make the things that went wrong in your life right? Sometimes I have a nice soak in the tub with the lights off and think about that for a couple hours. Just me and the dark and my thoughts, all getting to know one another.

Step 1 - Crack two eggs into a small bowl. Try not to get pieces of shell in there, like I just did. It's ok, it's ok, it's ok... you can just pick them out. It's... goddamit. It's a little hard actually. Off to the fucking races right off the bat, you idiot. You goddamn piece of shit. Motherfucker. Prick.

Step 2 - With a fork or whisk, blend the eggs together into a uniform product. Try not to over whisk, as this will introduce extra goddamn oxygen into the fucking... fuck. I did it. Haha, that's ok. Haha... hahahaha, whatever. So I'll have dry eggs. That's fine. That's just fine. That's fine.

Step 3 - Preheat a large pan over medium heat. Once it's hot enough, try to resist placing the flat of your palm on the pan and holding it there for as long as you can, so you can feel something that isn't a dull, aching emptiness where joy should be. Instead, melt a generous portion of butter in there.

Step 4 - Once the butter is melted, pour the eggs into the pan, stirring once, then LEAVE IT ALONE. With an omelet, the most important thing is to give it time to set and to not overcook it. A perfect omelet will be fluffy golden yellow with no visible browning on the exterior and will be creamy throughout. You cannot undo a Maillard reaction, so a keen eye and strict adherence to the process is key! While many people will overstuff an omelet with meats and cheeses, I find a simple combination of gruyere and diced chives to be ideal... oh shit, oh god, I BURNED THE FUCKING OMELET. Here I am, talking like a big shot and I can't even do it myself. "Maillard reaction"? I probably sounded like a goddamn asshole. Because I am an asshole. You can't hide what you really are, not forever. Everyone can see. They all know. You goddamn idiot.

Step 5 - Plate and serve. Suggested pairings are a light spinach salad and a dry white wine. Lots of white wine.



-RECIPE TWO-

~Mushroom Risotto~

Few things are as simple, yet impressive, as a well prepared Ri- you know what, who am I kidding? Listen, this shit... it's just. Never mind. Pretend... pretend I didn't say anything. Hey, listen; Trader Joe's has a really good risotto that you can just buy from them, heat it up with some... water and shit, and then you have risotto. Risotto in a pot. That's probably your best bet here, because I have nothing to offer you. Except my wine. Except, no. Because it's my wine. It's my wine. hahahahahah, my wine that I'm drinking noooooooow... I need to call my therapist. But he's not answering his phone. Of course. This always happens to me, because it's supposed to. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A GODDAMN FU-



-RECIPE THREE-

~More Wine~

What's finer and more impressive than some wine? Specifically wine that comes in jugs, because then you have all the wine sitting with you on the couch like fat little children full of precious blood, instead of in the kitchen, where the omelet is silently mocking you from the trash. FYI Dr. Dan tells me I shouldn't have wine with my medication because it gives me "seizures, disordered thoughts and severe anterograde amnesia" but, haha, Dr. Dan can blow on my dick.

Step 1 - Wine requires a great deal of prep work. First, you need to get out of your pajamas and put on clothes.

Step 2 - Actually, there's this service on the internet that makes the wine come to you, so you can stay in your pabjammamamas, haha. Let's just do that instead.

Step 3 - Try to remember what you were just planning on doing. Was it... take out the garbage? Garb Age. The Age of Garb, hahaha. Oh god, I don't want to keep doin this...

Step 4 - Go to the website and just find the goddamn... the goddamn... Fortissimo picture and then click the arrow until the box says three. That's it, that's all you gotta do. Don't overthink it, buddy.

Step 5 - Get the wine from the guy who brings it to you without feeling crushing shame at another person having a momentary glimpse into the abject ruin that is your life. This step is tricky, so don't feel bad if you don't get it right the first... coupla times.

Step 6 - What was I... just... what whas I jussss sayinn...geh?



-RECIPE FOUR-

~jusst a buzzing. a little buzzing ddown there~

some ants or some candy corn or some shit, from unner the couch. I finded... found them undrer ther. ahem.
Who's finder than these, uh, candy corns from last october? Who knoooooooows? I don't fuckin knoooooooow. Never will. Because I. Don't. Know. Anythin. Dot. Com. hahahahahahahaha
Stendp 1 - just eattheshit and get out of my home. please.