#1
Post rating: +
All right Rhizzone, I've made a list of all of the inebriated crap you guys have collectively done. Some the egregious ones have common sense advice added to them. Ok 'zzone apparently you have:

- Get dragged by a car because you really wanted to hang out, but the car had no room, so you clutched the passenger side handle and were dragged for about 30 yards. Rhizzone, you should have stopped clutching the handle. If you were smart you would have been dragged less.

- Cheated on your New Years diet.

- Been totally dead at work the next day.

- Urinated on the beach in front of groups of boaters celebrating the 4th of July. When shouted at to, quote: "PUT YOUR DICK AWAY," you replied "IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME PISS LOOK TURN THE FUCK AROUND!" Rhizzone, this is not only loud and vulgar, but unpatriotic.

- Spend way too much at the bar.

- Gone over your "Just one glass of red wine" limit

- You showed up to your friend's camping trip ironically wearing over-sized sunglasses and a Wal-Mart American Flag printed sleeveless while clutching a Ouija Board. Now this may have seemed like a good entrance to make, but the child you demanded directions from was terrified.

- You drunk texted your Ex. Big mistake.

Rhizzone, I know about more of your mistakes, and I will post them if you are too cowardly to do so yourself.

Edited by walkinginonit ()

#2
Post rating: +
weak. here are some fun wholesome activities I've done in my time, and with practice you can too:

- wake up after a bush party in a ditch on a rural range road. no phone, no one else around. hike 3 hours back to town because you're paranoid about hitching a ride.

- hey, that table full of strangers is having a guinness drinking contest, and your friend just ditched you. wouldn't it be cool to invite yourself over and drink all of them all under the table? no, it actually wouldn't, but you're about to do it anyways.

- wake up shivering in a strange bathtub. where are you? ah yes, you crashed at the home of your rich friend who still lives with his parents. you are completely naked. where are your clothes? oh, you took them all off and used them to try and mop up the gallon of vomit you sprayed all over your friend's parents bed. you only smeared it everywhere.

- try to help with a smouldering campfire by pouring a jerrycan of gasoline directly onto it. when the flames travel up into the can, panic and immediately punt it as far as possible, spraying flaming gasoline everywhere in a beautiful arc.

- you're at a family reunion out on the farm. giving alcohol to 12 year olds and allowing them to drive heavy machinery sounds like a great plan. it helps that the rest of your clan enthusiastically agrees.

- visit your family for the holidays. get into a late night shot for shot contest with your libertarian father and angrily rant about marxism. the next day, he will be so deathly hungover that he embarrassingly misses christmas dinner with the whole family. that'll show him.

- send a series of almost-coherent horny texts to your significant other. oh, that was actually the number for your boss, whose name is slightly similar.

- drinking game rules are serious business, and you should never feel guilty for giving someone alcohol poisoning by insisting that they follow them to the letter.

- yeah, this is a bad part of town, and you're dimly aware that the particular bar you're staggering past is infamous for aggressive skinheads, but you really have to pee. just politely ask to use their bathroom. nothing could possibly go wrong!

- that cop car nearly ran over your friend, and it didn't even have its siren on! the right thing to do is throw your drink at it. they'll understand.

- attempt to seduce a newlywed christian couple into a threesome while wearing nothing but an improvised miniskirt made of bondage tape. (i can't claim credit for this one, but was quite impressed)

- if there isn't enough room in your designated driver's car for all your friends to fit, you can always fit someone in the trunk! what's the worst that could happen, you get into an accident because there's a raging blizzard? yes!

- respond to this thread with actual stories about your life. everyone will be super impressed by your inspiring exploits, which are not pathetic at all.
#3
[account deactivated]
#4
political car tune
Post rating: ~
-crashed a wedding reception. drank at reception. went to dance club after, underage drank. got kicked out. stumbled home in the rain on a black out odyssey, woke up in dorm room in different clothes? luckily wow-playing roommate went home every weekend so i had the place to myself

-went to the hospital with alcohol poisoning. LOL!
#5
Post rating: +
-threw up so much and so hard that you burst a blood vessel in your eye

-argued with a cop about how biking under the influence is a bullshit crime and you were actually trying to do the right thing so fuck off

-tried to steal a palm tree with the help of your friend and then gave fake info to the cops when they caught you. Tried to run from the cops when they realized your info is fake

-told your friend that all troops are evil killers morally equivalent to street gang members while forgetting that your friends brother is in the army
#6
Post rating: +

TG posted:

-threw up so much and so hard that you burst a blood vessel in your eye



That happened to me. I ate a lot of berries before I threw up though, so it looked like I was projectile vomiting blood

#7
[account deactivated]
#8
Kurdt
Post rating: ~
this really happened. i was the lookout
#9
Post rating: +++++

dipshit420 posted:

-stumbled home in the rain on a black out odyssey



i love that feeling.

- go to a costume party for new years and get angry at the dude dressed in a burlap sack who calls his costume "victim of communism." steal his expensive real clothes that he left in the porch and throw them into the river on your way home.

#10
Mike Nelson here.
Post rating: +
i do not drink, so i don't have any funny stories, but i do have somewhat related events caused by mental illness and impulsiveness.

- when i was in china i realized i had an extra chunk of money because of a scholarship, so i decided i was going to go on a trip. i flew by myself from shanghai to urumqi.



one of my chinese friends had an acquaintance of hers that she met the previous summer who was at medical school in urumqi. so i met him at the airport. he didn't not speak much english at all. he took me to a hotel which was filthy. the door didn't fit the frame and it didn't close and there was no lock. anyway this travel fixer guy came into the room and i told him via my contact that i wanted to go to kashgar. he started screaming at my contact for a long while and then my contact said "he said you can't go to kashgar". so i did some little tour things which were actually great. it was probably a bad idea to go out there alone though.

- about five or six years ago i decided i was going to teach myself economics. so i put about $2,000 worth of economics textbooks on a credit card one day. i ended up returning most of them a few weeks later once i realized it was a bad idea. i do have large debts though and a fraction is from books.

- i once went into a suit store in kingston wanting to buy a suit jacket for a conference. the woman started upselling me and i didn't even sort of realize it. i was like... yeah... this sweater is good. yeah i do need a belt. oh a second jacket is half price? yeah throw that in. anyway i ended up spending over $700 lol. which is probably more than i've spend on clothes in the past five years.

- once when i was living in montreal i had a feeling of sentimentality overwhelm me and decided i was going to go to quebec city... immediately... in the middle of winter. so i went down to the bus station... at night... and took the three hour bus there. it was then like 1 am when i got there i guess. everything was closed. so i walked around the empty streets until morning. i ended up going to a semi-bullshit museum they have there and basically motoring through it because i was too tired to care. then a tour guide woman started talking to me, and i talked to her for about an hour, but shortly after the conversation i realized i couldn't recall what i said at all, and i was probably rambling nonsense. so i walked to the bus station and took the next bus back to montreal.

anyway okay i know they aren't pouring gasoline onto a fire stories but they are still real to me dammit.
#11
[account deactivated]
#12
Post rating: +
If you look at my pics on me Twitter you'll notice my mouth is always closed because I'm missing a front tooth which a cop knocked out. My jaw also pops and gets sore on the left side from a fight I got in with a Troop at a house party. I think I broke my nose at some point but I'm not sure. I have a discoloration on me belly right above the groin which I think is from crashing a bike but I'm not sure and its visual only so I don't care. I was once thrown out of an art gallery. I got drunk at the 2008 RNC and hung out with the Ron Paul protestors all day so I'm in the background of all the videos. I once ordered risotto and then didn't like it because I hadn't known what risotto was and had only throught it sounded cool in achewood. Today I make a deece six figgies and own a special motorbike for riding in forests called a rokon. Dreams are truly possible. Thank you.
#13
Post rating: +

Keven posted:

a fight I got in with a Troop



thank you for your service Keven

#14
Post rating: ~
oh yeah, that reminds me of the time i called a marine in a cowboy hat brokeback mountain but i didnt end up getting obliterated by him and his buddies for some reason
#15
[account deactivated]
#16
Post rating: ~
Thank u
#17
Post rating: +

TG posted:

oh yeah, that reminds me of the time i called a marine in a cowboy hat brokeback mountain but i didnt end up getting obliterated by him and his buddies for some reason




uh, perhaps because the marine corp instills a sense of mutual respect and gentlemanly demeanor into all its soldiers so that beating up a commie nerdlinger civilian like you would be so far below their warrior skills that it'd be like ah fuck it i can't even finish this i already hate myself death to america

#18
Post rating: +
and that marine's name was albert einstein.
#19
chickeon
Post rating: ~
permanent multiple knee injury
#20
Post rating: ~

shriekingviolet posted:

dipshit420 posted:

-stumbled home in the rain on a black out odyssey

i love that feeling.

- go to a costume party for new years and get angry at the dude dressed in a burlap sack who calls his costume "victim of communism." steal his expensive real clothes that he left in the porch and throw them into the river on your way home.



hahahaha thank you fr sharing your story; we all gain from your strength.

#21
Post rating: ~
i havent really done very much dumb shit. idk i guess lost my phone or showed up late to work?
#22
Post rating: +
one time when i was real drunk i broke my ankle. another time i pooped in public. thanks for reading.
#23
political car tune
Post rating: +

Petrol posted:

another time i pooped in public.


but enough about your posting,

#24
Post rating: +
- Go to church (my least Communist moment)

- Redact parts of my posts (Not my most Communist moment.)

- Slowly pour out alcohol containers at in front of the police. Make sure that shit trickles down slowly. He's bullshitting you, you bullshit him.

- Your friend gets pulled over for DUI, naturally you bolt out of the car as soon as its stopped.

- Post

Edited by walkinginonit ()

#25
bb bourgeoisie
Post rating: +
-Yelling match with a cop about probable cause for searching.

-Face punched a bunch by a busker whose art I did not deem to merit my hard earned fiats.

-Face punched in by a guy that I was yelling at (why?).

-Beat up for not having enough shamrocks in my DNA and also probably for being rude.

-Woken up on the sidewalk on main street with a camelbak full of red wine. It's 8am on a Monday and you do not remember the past 24 hours.

-Thrown out of a house party wearing somebody else's dress, no phone, no wallet, no way to travel the four miles home.

-Replied to this thread.
#26
Post rating: +
-Trespass on a ranch or something. I don't know, there were horses there

-Make out with someone twice my age

-ShriekingViolet, I also poured gasoline on a fire in which the stream caught fire and then I almost caught fire.

-I walked out of a bar one fine afternoon with my friend. I lit a cigarette and then was promptly smacked in the face. I found out that my hair was actually on fire, not that I would have noticed though.

-Accidentally sent a nude to my friend and then laughed at him for being forced to look at my body

-Participate in a "fireworks fight"

Edited by walkinginonit ()

#27
Post rating: +++++
Lol sounds like you guys get pretty crazy. Here at the monastery we drink all the time and even brew our own beer- but we keep the alcohol content low so that we don't, as the kids say, act a fool up in Gods house. That doesn't mean we don't get around though and have our own stories....sometimes even a little embarrassing haha

-After an all night session at one of the casks it's a little easy to get caught up in the goings on of the material world, a world of symbols void of any actual meaning in which things are substituted for spiritual sustenance and human compassion....but what's this? An open bible on my bed and it's reminding me of the divine love Christ feels for all of us, ennobling the human condition? Heck yes!

-Thinking impure thoughts about the gypsy that gathers mushrooms behind the courtyard.....the bible commands discharge by friction alone!

-Sometimes one of the brothers has a little too much and forgets our place in Christs kingdom. Yes Martin, shaving the speed boosters from mario kart onto your head like Kanye may be "hip" but is it humble?

Anyway I think we'll all make it, with a little help from friend up there and maybe the friend in the glass too lol

Yours in Christ
Bernard
#28
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this drinking alone thing is getting pretty voring
#29
Post rating: ~
fuck this life, we are all going to die, might as well do somethjing
#30
bb bourgeoisie
Post rating: ~

notciaNOTjew posted:

Lol sounds like you guys get pretty crazy. Here at the monastery we drink all the time and even brew our own beer- but we keep the alcohol content low so that we don't, as the kids say, act a fool up in Gods house. That doesn't mean we don't get around though and have our own stories....sometimes even a little embarrassing haha

-After an all night session at one of the casks it's a little easy to get caught up in the goings on of the material world, a world of symbols void of any actual meaning in which things are substituted for spiritual sustenance and human compassion....but what's this? An open bible on my bed and it's reminding me of the divine love Christ feels for all of us, ennobling the human condition? Heck yes!

-Thinking impure thoughts about the gypsy that gathers mushrooms behind the courtyard.....the bible commands discharge by friction alone!

-Sometimes one of the brothers has a little too much and forgets our place in Christs kingdom. Yes Martin, shaving the speed boosters from mario kart onto your head like Kanye may be "hip" but is it humble?

Anyway I think we'll all make it, with a little help from friend up there and maybe the friend in the glass too lol

Yours in Christ
Bernard



i upvoted this but felt that it did not adequately convey my gratitude for this post. thank you. thank you, my friend.

#31
political car tune
Post rating: ~
One time this guy pulled a knife on me, and stabbed my right shoulder when I refused to hand over my wallet by saying, "I have no intention of giving you my money. It's bad enough I pay taxes!" I clamped down on the pain long enough to pull the knife out of my shoulder, give the guy a Kubrick Stare over the tops of my glasses, and ask, "Did it ever occur to you that I might be left-handed?" I then drove the knife into his shoulder, broke the blade off, and got off at the next stop to get my shoulder stitched and report the incident to the NYPD.
#32
Kurdt
Post rating: +
one time i claimed a piece of halibut was good enough for jenova
#33
Post rating: ~
Jenova would never eat a bottom dwelling fish dude
#34
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actually can i list all the bad women i shouldnt have dated under this since i drink all the dang time?
#35
Post rating: +
You should. The only reason I haven't done so is that I'm too cowardly to announce all of my dating mishaps on my BonziBuddy themed posting persona
#36
Post rating: ~
Back in law school I went on a pretty legit bender because of a woman and ended up at casa Bonita where I threw up in black Bart's cave. Denver peeps know what I'm talking about
#37
Post rating: ~
yeah fdefinitely my last girlfriend was one long drunken mishap lasting off and on for two years. embarrassing.
#38
Post rating: +
the other day there was horse racing on the TV at the bar and my friend quipped "did you know that they demolished a historic black neighborhood to create this horce arena?" and a girl at the end of the bar started going on and on about how many families struggle to pay for their child's horse so that they can compete in these stupid horse races. I could not hold back and I had to listen to a manager tell me about proper workplace conversation even though I was off work (and drunk). She also defended the SAE frat lol
#39
Post rating: +
dont ever be honest ever around richachus, they are the pettiest and most entitled of all the pokemon
#40
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wait. you have "proper workplace conversations" regulations even though you work at a bar? why work at a fuckimng bar in that case?