#1
[account deactivated]
#2
both are good as long as you die at the end
#3
[account deactivated]
#4
[account deactivated]
#5
“What’d you get up to last night?”
“Got wicked drunk.”
“Yeah? Where’d you go?”
“I didn’t go anywhere. I drank at home.”
“You had a party and didn’t invite me? Who showed up?”
“No one. I got drunk by myself.”
“No shit? What’s wrong, man? You wanna talk about it?”

I do wanna talk about it. Not about what my friend wrongly assumed was the dark motivation that would drive me to drink alone, but the very act of drinking alone.

Somewhere along the line people got the idea that solitary boozing is a sure sign that the drinker is about to slip over the edge into something dark and sinister, whether it be suicide, skid row or a staff position at a drinking magazine.

And on the surface, it makes sense. Alcohol is the original social lubricant, after all, it makes any gathering loose and friendly, it has the unique and beatific ability to spin laughter and camaraderie from the dry straw that is the strained silence of the sober. Strangers become friends, friends become cliques and cliques become vast drinking scenes. It is the golden bond that connects you with most of your friends and acquaintances. It sure as hell isn’t a collective interest in stamp collecting that holds the gang together.

Drinking alone, on the other hand, is a much more pure and forthright form of imbibing, and I say that because it focuses entirely on the simple act of putting alcohol into your bloodstream. It tosses aside all the half-hearted pretensions about merely using alcohol as a social tool. It gets down to what drinking is all about: getting loaded, and by doing that, getting down to the inner you. The inner joy, the inner madness, the subconscious you, the real you.

Now, there are those who abhor the very idea of spending a moment with themselves. Put them in a quiet room for five minutes and they’re picking up the phone or turning on the TV. “Deep down in his private heart, no man respects himself much,” Mark Twain was fond of saying, and he was dead right. Why should those people want to hang with their inner selves? That entity is, for all intents and purposes, a stranger, and worse, a stranger who knows all their deepest, darkest, most terrible secrets.

Which, ironically enough, is exactly why you have to hang with him, because sooner or later that bastard will turn on you. The longer you keep him locked up by himself, the weirder he’s going to get, and he will eventually manifest himself as a nervous breakdown or very self-destructive behavior.

That’s where your old pal booze comes into play. You already knew the sauce is the supreme moderator, a perfectly charming go-between when dealing with friends and strangers, but did you also know it is as equally adept at opening up internal lines of communication? Whiskey is the key that sets the monkey free, goes the old saw, and that monkey is your Id, your subconscious mind, the inner you. Instead of letting that monkey out in public, where he tends to go berserk (or so they tell you the next morning), set him loose in a calm room. A quiet place bare of predators and prey. Get to know him. You might be surprised. You might even start liking the little bastard.

Find Your Circle of Solitude

“So I stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn’t have you by the throat.”—Charles Bukowski

Just as it is nearly impossible to write anything worth reading while someone is looking over your shoulder, it is just as nearly impossible to tap the subconscious mind while drinking in the company of others. Which is a shame because never is the subconscious mind more lucid and willing to speak than when you are loaded.

So find your quiet space. Lower the lighting and unplug the phone. And for the love of God, turn off the TV. That evil box is the antithesis of inner thought, it is a jabbering knave that never shuts up or listens, it is expressly designed to steal your attention and direct it to its own petty needs. Turn it off or, better yet, throw it out the window.

A dining table, in my opinion, is the best place to drink alone. There is something about having the glass and bottle sitting right in front of you, ready for action, it brings to mind Bogart in Casablanca, except you don’t have Sam sitting at the piano, tickling the ivories. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have some music to set the mood.

The Soundtrack of Isolation

“The only thing better than one of my songs is one of my songs with a glass of scotch.” —Jackie Gleason

While you may prefer metal, rap, punk or, egad, techno when you’re out swinging with the gang, the point of drinking alone is not to get pumped up but to hunker down with the inner workings of your psyche. Slow and melodic, even nostalgic music is best. Tom Waits, the Jackie Gleason Orchestra, Johnny Cash and Portishead work for me. You know what puts you in a meditative mood. Find your slow inner beat and cater to it.

Choose Your Moderator

“I let my drinking do the talking.” —Humphrey Bogart

Whiskey on the rocks is Johnny Carson. A cocktail is Conan O’Brien. A strong burgundy with some bite is David Letterman. Beer is Jay Leno, which is why I stay away from it. And make sure you’re well stocked. The last thing you want is Johnny, just when the show is starting to roll, taking a powder on you.

Now that you’ve picked your host, you’re ready to start rapping with your Id, right? Wrong. Before you can get acquainted with yourself, you have to get acquainted with the bottle.

Befriend the Bottle

“A well-made Martini or Gibson, correctly chilled and nicely served, has been more often my true friend than any two-legged creature.” —M. F. K. Fisher

After three or four drinks you’ll start realizing there are clear advantages to drinking alone, namely:

You’re the bartender. Drinking alone means you can drink exactly what you want. Let’s admit it, what we drink in public is not necessarily what we really want to drink. There are social norms to conform to, there are reputations to maintain, there are friends to impress. Your mouth will order a shot of tequila when your soul wants a Black Russian.

You control the pace. Want another? Pour it. No standing in line for a drink, no pressure to take yet another sham shot of girlie juice, no bouncer telling you you’ve had enough. The bottle in front of you never says no. Only yes, yes and yes!

Booze tastes better. Read a good book alone in a quiet place and you will absorb and understand the beauty of a perfectly worded sentence. Read in a crowded and loud room and you will skim the beauty and absorb nothing. The same goes for drinking. There are no distractions to divert your attention from the rich bite of a mouthful of bourbon. You will notice the vast array of flavors and aromas. You will realize hidden depths of taste in a cocktail you had imagined a shallow pond. Show me someone who is drinking alone, without any desire to seek out human companionship, and I’ll show you a drunk who truly enjoys alcohol.

The bottle doesn’t jabber. One of the greatest pleasures in life is a comfortable silence between friends. You know what I’m talking about: you’re having a quiet drink at a table with an old friend, and both of you feel absolutely no need to engage in idle prattle, there is a fine understanding that nothing needs to be said, you merely sit and bask in the light of each other’s company.

Those moments, unfortunately, are few and far between. These days we’re so damn afraid the other person will think we’re boring and start looking for someone a little more chatty to sit with, or, worst of all, yawn. And it’s from the belly of that fear the current plague of pointless small talk was born. I’ve gone out drinking in the company of a great number of people and at the end of the evening I won’t be able to recall having a single inner thought of value. Or a single valuable outer thought, for that matter. When you’re jabbering at friends and they’re jabbering at you, the inner drunk is neglected, he merely sits there and broods.

When you are drinking with the bottle, however, you are rewarded with a vast, gently rolling plain of comfortable silence. The bottle never gossips or tries to interest you in stereo speakers it is planning on buying, it merely sits there in pristine silence, filling your glass instead of your ear.

You can act any damn fool way you wish. The bottle will not condemn you for laughing out of turn or pounding the table like a bad character actor. It will quietly salute you. You can get as maudlin, dramatic and sentimental as you wish, without anyone telling you to snap out of it, cheer up, or cool out.

Meet Your Monkey

“You don’t know a damn thing about a man until you’ve gotten stinking drunk with him.” —Charles Russell

After about five drinks the monkey will start rattling the cage. Let him out.

Examine his fine smile. This is the giddy you that is so charming with the ladies at the bar. Note the wily gleam in his eyes. This is the happy-go-lucky sport that comes up with wholly improbable, yet wildly optimistic schemes while loaded. Sense his light heart. This is the jovial soul that will laugh at the worst bar joke ever told.

Doesn’t seem like such a bad guy at all, does he? Introduce yourself. Buy him a drink. Let him buy you a drink. Anyone who buys you a drink can’t be all bad, right?

It is now that you will recognize the monkey for who he truly is: he is you without social constraints. A slave unchained. He is you without the worry of what other people think. He is what you want to be, not what your parents, friends, lover, boss and God want you to be.

After a couple more rounds, a rich warmness will settle upon you as the alcohol rallies your collective self esteem. At this point you’ll start to think, Hell, this guy is a fucking prince.

Understand that this is the guy who has stuck with you every step of the way, he stood with you in every fistfight, he was there when you were struggling through the blackest shadows of depression, he helped you plant the flag on the tallest peaks of success. All this time you were hoping everyone else was watching, and all along it was always you, gazing from within.

Wallow in nostalgia. Everyone loves a good story and your inner self remembers them all. Revel in all the good things you’ve done, laugh off the mistakes you’ve made. Realize that every step and misstep of your life has led you unremittingly to this single pristine moment: Drinking with the best friend you ever had or ever will have.

Don’t be afraid to get emotional. In a crowd you are not likely to follow your own emotional path, you adopt the emotional direction and tone of the gang. Now you can feel anyway you want. Laugh. Cry. Do whatever the hell you like. If you catch yourself feeling self-conscious or foolish, pause and remind yourself you are your only audience. Who’s going to tell on you? The bottle? No. I know the bottle, and the bottle ain’t talkin’.

As you dive deeper into the bottle, and deeper within yourself, you will start feeling a strange wholeness. The surface you will blend with the submerged you, and though the pair will never entirely merge (if you pull that one off, you should put in an application for the position of Dalai Lama), they will mingle and they will learn to like each other. And that’s the whole point.

Before your inner journey ends, make certain you realize exactly what you’ve pulled off. Look at yourself in the mirror and fairly tremble with your newfound power. You have built bonds and allied yourself with the one person who will determine more than anyone else on the planet whether you fuck up or seize your dreams.

* * *

In the morning you may not remember much of your adventure, but that’s okay, because the monkey never forgets. And a stranger who genuinely likes you is a very powerful ally, because he will come to your aid when you least expect it.

The next time you get loaded with the gang, gaze into your drink, your secret mirror, and think: “Hey, old friend. Remember our quiet time together? Remember the thoughts we shared? We’ll meet up again down the road. Just you, me, and the bottle.”

Edited by gyrofry ()

#6
Every alcoholic drinks alone but not everyone who drinks alone is an alcoholic
#7
[account deactivated]
#8
Uh huh huh
#9
I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.I bet even bees and ants have lynch mob justice. French dude seems to be talking about social justice and chomsky seems to be talking about humans clumsy attempts to reach justice in legal systems and whatever else. Bee says fuckin bee stole my honey i demand justice etc. i can see the nat geo video now showing bees ganging up on the theif for a execution. The fact that life is so efficient makes justice a requisite function in any kind of social system. Other primates have power structures that depend on justice doled out by a dominant force. As far as the social justice angle, egalitarian notions of all our problems are gonna go away if we adopt a marxist utopia are dumb. Theyll just end up with the same egos demanding the same things and a whole new lexicon with a effectively similar system of justice as before. Sorry every time i try to read these philosophers free books on ibooks or google play i end up looking at porn. And i took world religion class instead of philosophy but im sure its interesting shit.
#10
It seems that in these allegedly more enlightened days, the bender is all but forgotten as a legitimate form of self-exploration and abuse. Now when people talk of destroying themselves through consumption of alcohol, they generally mean overdoing it one night, getting sick later that same evening or early the next morning, then repenting for the remainder of the weekend. This cycle of loathsome behavior is okay if you simply wish to embarrass yourself in front of your friends, but what if you have a deeper, darker wish? What if you long to escape, to disappear from sight and drink unrepentantly and alone for a long period of time, to vanish off the face of the earth for a long "lost" weekend? What then? Then you are aiming to go on a bender.

Defined in the lexicon of drinking slang, a bender is a period of at least three days of continued drunkenness. Why three? Because the weekend is two days long. It's that third day (quite possibly a workday) that all bets are off, when eyebrows start to raise, when tongues start to cluck, when the amused laughter turns into whispers of concern.

Times past, the bender was saluted as a period when good men went bad, usually for excellent reasons. Maybe the love of their life betrayed them, maybe a loved one passed away, maybe they were laid off, maybe there wasn't a good reason at all except that natural human desire to see how far you can take something without killing yourself, then walk away relatively unscathed. Being able to say, with all honesty, "Yeah, I went on a real bender after that happened," is akin to casually mentioning you parachuted behind enemy lines.

The typical recipe for a bender is as follows: 1) Begin drinking within five minutes of waking up, 2) continue drinking, 3) pass out, 4) wake and repeat. Continue this process until a) you're hospitalized, b) dead or c) you come to your senses and realize you must stop.

The root of a bender is simply one drink, perhaps at a Friday happy hour. It then multiplies and finally ceases to be mere recreational drinking when one wakes up the next morning and, as a hangover cure or simply for breakfast, starts the day fresh off with another drink. As morning drinks lead to brunch drinks and lunch drinks eliminate the need for lunch, one's grip on reality is relaxed to the point that it slips completely away and with the aid of a television, a VCR, drawn curtains, and lots of privacy, the petty world of normality and all its tedium . . . evaporates. And the bender is underway.

Sound good? Here’s what you’ll need to do:

1.) Score a handful of good movies because cable is too uncontrollable. You want something nice and familiar. Howard Hughes used to watch his favorite movie “Ice Station Zebra” over and over again, for years on end. Wouldn't you like to be that deranged? You will be when you're on a legitimate bender. So rent, own or borrow a collection of favorite movies. Ideally ones with lots of inspiring drinking scenes.

2.) Invest heavily in the alcohol of your choice. Variety is a good idea, as your moods and tastes may shift mid-bender. You should always have more than you need. Stock up. It won't go bad, it’ll get better.

3.) Turn your phone off. In between moments of clarity, you may think you have the ability to talk coherently on the phone. This can lead to trouble as you have to explain your words later and can't remember them. And never mention you’re actually on a bender. Make the mistake of cavalierly mentioning the fact to the wrong person and you’ll have a teary-eyed bunch of interventionists at your door. The bender is a very personal journey, keep it that way.

4) Close the curtains and lock the door. Think of yourself as a vampire, sunlight and visitors are the bender’s natural enemies.

You’re all set. Start drinking! I like to start with red wine, then shift to vodka cocktails, back off to cheap American lager, then charge ahead with Jack Daniels on the rocks. Rhythm and pace are essential. Start guzzling hard liquor right off the bat and the binge is over before it started. On the other hand, you want to paddle fast enough to get past the breakwater and into the wide sea that is the bender.

After awhile you may realize you've been passed out on the couch for some time. The tape in the VCR will have rewound and the ice in your drink will have melted. Perhaps you will even realize it is 3 in the morning. That's quite okay. Just slowly get up, make yourself another drink and press play on the VCR remote. You are in bender-land and there's no time frame to dictate your actions, no place to be, and video knows no schedule. You can simply let the miasma of day/night duality drift away. There's no worries about social activities, current events, food, sleeping schedule maintenance, etc. All you need is another drink to make everything smooth like a slow passing cloud on a hot summer's day.

Turn inward. Unlike a single night of hard boozing, you will fluctuate between moments of complete madness and perfect clarity. Why? During a typical night of pounding booze your psyche tends to go into hiding, it will hold its breath and try not to inhale the madness you would expose it to. But during a bender it will realize it has to come up for air, leaving you in a unique condition to examine the brightest and darkest memories of your life. Enjoy the fresh if somewhat grimmer perspective, you will come away with an understanding of concepts you never even caught glimpse of.

Examine the bottle in your hand. Read the label. Did you know Jack Daniels was invented by a 16-year-old minister? Commute with your demons, it is your co-conspirator of the moment. Soon it will be your brother.

Wander the room. See things you never noticed before, the way a lamp hangs, the way it throws noir light on an ashtray left by a long forgotten girlfriend. You realize you've gotten to know the surface you so well you’ve neglected the inner you. Bring light to all those dark corners you forgot about, remember what you used to be, what you still are. Pull books from shelves you haven't read in years, remember what they did to you. You’re also in the perfect state to browse old photographs, to get back in touch with old emotions. Also revel in the nihilistic notion that all these fine feelings will most likely be forgotten until the next bender.

Have a seat. Refresh your drink, have a cigarette. Outside your room you can feel forces moving against you, do not check your messages, do not answer the door. This is your world now, you are sovereign and have no need of counsel. At this moment comes the realization that no one owns your time but you. As long as the booze holds out.

Sooner or later, however, things can begin to crumble. You may find yourself in bed wondering how you got there, and if you will be able to get a glass of water to your lips without vomiting. You may hyperventilate, suffer heart palpitations, sweat, shake, hallucinate and lose circulation in your face and limbs, but mainly you will vomit - vomit - vomit! Just remember to rehydrate, force some bland food down and drink some more alcohol as quickly as possible. You may keep throwing it up, but damn you, force it down.

You will find at this juncture that it takes more alcohol just to lose your shakes than it used to take to get you wasted. Now you are truly "Leaving Las Vegas”.

Days will melt into nights and back into days and you may lose track of time. Don’t turn on the news, it’s hoarse shouting will depress you. Now you may start wondering how long you should keep it going. Some people, famous and otherwise, have kept benders going for years, especially British theatre actors and American writers. Stephen King claims he wrote his best novels while on one long bender, drinking a case of 16-ounce tallboys a night while cranking out bestsellers he barely remembers writing. Now he’s in AA and writes pap he does remember.

Of course, long term benders do not always work out for the best, poet Dylan Thomas’ exit being one of the more famous examples. Dylan culminated a decade-long bender on a New York sidewalk where, on his knees, he told a young woman: "I have just drunk 18 straight whiskeys. I think that's the record. I love you." He promptly died of what the autopsy called "insult to the brain" (and a compliment to the lady).

I know nothing about dying, unfortunately, but I can explain how to stop if that's the option you choose. 1) Utilize every hangover cure you know. 2) Keep moving; clean your messes, do the dishes, shower, exercise, take a long walk, etc. 3) Drink beer. As Albert Finney says in Under the Volcano, "Theresh nething bedder t'sober wunnup, thin beeah." Open the shades, listen to your answering machine messages and vow never to drink again. Around 5 or 6 pm you may need some form of sedative—preferably a Valium but Advil will do in a pinch. Wait until most of the booze is out of your system before taking anything heavy, as it could easily cause death, or worse, more vomiting.

If all goes well, you will be a shattered mess by the next morning. Force yourself out of bed, take a long, cold shower, and start drinking Gatorade. Maybe you will have to stay home from work. If you're lucky, maybe you don't even have to work, maybe you've already been fired. Regardless, by late afternoon, you will feel good enough to eat some lunch.

So what, you may ask, are the benefits to such self-destructive behavior? Well, none really. Or . . . are there? Think back to the height of your bender. Everything was numbed, timeless bliss. You let yourself go, utterly. You became swept into the sea. You practically drowned and you miraculously returned. You could have kept going, but you turned back. On the slow raft ride to eternity, you sailed long enough to relax, but not long enough that you couldn't get home. You caught a glimpse of heaven and a glimpse of hell. You drank of what lies beyond pleasure, pain and petty mortal striving.

Too bad most people you know won’t understand or respect it, but hey, they all laughed at Christopher Columbus, too.
#11
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#12
bender protip: to keep yourself energized and minimize hangover potential without compromising on being drunk out of your mind during your bender, make some cocktails that contain raw egg. a number of excellent classics use whites, yolks, or the whole egg. to start a new day i recommend a royal gin fizz for breakfast.
#13
Drinking alone is a genuinely enjoyable experience
#14
possibly the only one
#15
one drink at the bar costs as much as four at the liquor store. what gives, america???
#16
my friend gave me what he described as some bombass acid but only enough for one, so the question is does taking acid alone make you a druggie?
#17
if it's really that great just break up the cube/strip and wait for a buddy.
#18
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#19
story from a friend: some girl at a party kept asking about acid over and over and over so we went to the bathroom and cut up some paper and gave her the 'acid' a little bit later. She starts going off about how hard she's tripping about 20 seconds later and starts rolling around on the floor
#20
that seems really mean
#21
This also happened in real life. I was the friend who did the lookout.
#22

TG posted:

my friend gave me what he described as some bombass acid but only enough for one, so the question is does taking acid alone make you a druggie?

tripping alone can be a lot of fun because there's no obligation to be social. even if you're with friends you can be comfortable with there;s still an element of social etiquette or whatever. its good to put on whatever music or whatever visuals and not worry about anyone else for 8 hours. imo

#23
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#24

gyrofry posted:

This also happened in real life. I was the friend who did the lookout.


#25
i sold acid in high school and college but i don't do that stuff anymore bc hallucinogens are garbage.
#26
#27

TheIneff posted:

if it's really that great just break up the cube/strip and wait for a buddy.



its something called a microdot and its smaller than a pop rock

#28
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#29

TG posted:

TheIneff posted:

if it's really that great just break up the cube/strip and wait for a buddy.

its something called a microdot and its smaller than a pop rock

keep it in a baggie in airtight opaque container in a freezer and itll stay p good for years if you really need to wait for a friend.

#30
addiction to alcohol is the only thing that makes you an alcoholic
#31
found a great post for the DYTD forum

Got a beer you need opened, but no bottle opener? Take a sheet of paper and fold it a bunch of times until it's about 2" x 1", then leveraging with your thumb and knuckles, pry off lid, as the paper and your skin tears over and over again without successfully opening the bottle, scream at nothing in anger. Next try putting the cap on a sharp counter edge and slam down with palm to remove cap that way instead, effectively breaking off a piece of the counter as well as the neck of the bottle. As your hand bleeds profusely, put your trembling lips to the jagged edge of your bottle and drink deeply, shaking. Feel the shame of your need as you stare weirdly at your furnitureless apartment. #lifehacks
#32
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#33
I know a woman who opens beer bottles with her teeth. Its bizarrely attractive
#34
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#35
you can't like, own beer man
#36
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#37

TG posted:

I know a woman who opens beer bottles with her teeth. Its bizarrely attractive



i also know a woman like this and she doesn't do it anymore because she, completely predictably, broke a tooth doing this.

just use a lighter dummy! if you dont have one you should take up smoking. only drinking yourself to death seems inefficient when there are other great ways to accelerate your inevitable decay

#38
its not that hard to open a non-twistoff cap as literally anything capable prying a small thing will do the needful. seriously its a bit of thin crimped metal, i've pried one open with a housekey when i was on a road trip and didnt feel like walking all the way out to the bike to get a screwdriver or wrench out of the tool kit.
#39
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#40
i used to use my teeth all the time and stopped bc yeah you're ognna break a tooth eventually and dental work is crazy expensive and as marxultor pointed out you can improvise something else almost 100% of the time and spend that tooth money on hundreds or thousands of beers instead