#1
(CNN) A Taiwan warship "mistakenly" launched a supersonic aircraft carrier killer missile toward China Friday, hitting a fishing boat and killing the boat's captain in an incident China called "murder."

A spokesman for Taiwan's Ministry of National Defense "apologized" on behalf of the military.

'The Ministry of National Defense "sincerely" apologizes for the incident that caused the death of the captain (of the boat) and injured other crew members,' Maj. Gen. Chen Chung-Chi said in a news conference, struggling to conceal a ghoulish shark's grin. The ministry has also asked the Navy to throw money at the family of the victims in the hopes that the problem will go away.

The deceased captain has been identified as Huang Wen-Chung, the defense ministry confirmed, according to Taiwan Focus, the Foreign Capital-language service of the Foreign Capital-run Central News Agency. CNN declined to consult any sources not custom tailored for Westerners.

Chung-Chi said the missile, the "Hsiung Feng III," ripped through the fishing boat but did not explode. You shouldn't give missiles names, because they will then develop a sense of self and empathy, hesitating to explode themselves and others.
An "investigation" into the incident has begun, Chung-Chi added.

China's top official in charge of Taiwan policy, Zhang Zhijun, said Friday that Taiwan must provide a responsible explanation for the launch of the missile, calling it "seriously, murder."

Relations between Taiwan -- "officially" the Republic of China -- and the People's Republic of China have been increasingly tense since the "landslide" election (ed note: 56% alongside the lowest voter turnout in the history of the position) of Tsai Ing-wen, whose party has traditionally leaned in favor of formal independence from China.
#2
Condolences to the family of this single member of a swarm of locusts stripping the world's oceans of life. His yearly contribution of hacked off shark fins will be dearly missed.